When Men In Black III came out a few weeks ago, I actually thought it was a fairly good sequel, especially considering how abysmal Men In Black II was when it came out ten years ago. Was it a sequel we really needed? Nah, but it was certainly welcome, especially with the time travel gimmick. But we can’t help but wonder where that ingenuity went when it came to the sub-licensed game Men In Black: Alien Crisis. Because, honestly, there’s just no fixing this mess.
In the game, you don’t play as either agent J or agent K, but rather…agent P. (Insert the bathroom jokes here.) He’s an unlikable character who started out as an archaeologist before he inexplicably ended up with the MIB, and paired with a female compatriot who’s somehow even more bland that he is. It isn’t long before the pair are called into duty to take on aliens, and the game sets off on its pace.
And that pace is nothing but a drag. Most of the gameplay consists of on-rails shooting that goes nowhere fast, as you can shoot aliens and also equip some weird air bubbles to trap certain ones. It’s all by the numbers, and the game never really progresses as you move forward, meaning you’re just shooting aliens, moving, shooting aliens, moving. Oh, there is a stealth segment or two, but it mostly involves moving around security cameras. Yes, because if there’s one thing a guy in a sharp business suit doesn’t need, it’s someone spotting him. Despite the alien carnage, right?
The PlayStation 3 version of Alien Crisis does use the PlayStation Move, and while zapping fans may appreciate that, the lack of alien variety doesn’t help. The game also works with a regular controller, though you have no option to turn on inverted aim if that’s what you prefer. You’re just doing the same old thing, aiming and continuing on.
The story will take about three to four hours to get through (if your patience doesn’t run out at that point), and after that, you can invite over your friends to play along with you in four-player local co-op. Or you could do something more reasonable and watch a movie instead, keeping your friends instead of forcing them to laugh at you.